Hey mate, this all sounds really tricky. You really don't deserve pain just cos you hurt him, it doesn't work like that. Are you diagnosed with anything? Just cos if you do have depression, BPD etc then that could help you manage your emotions
I got really into the Titanic when the submersible was in the news. My favourite facts were:
A big issue was that staff were used to putting lifeboats in the sea and people in the boats. These you put people in the lifeboats, then dropped the lifeboats 70 feet in the pitch black into water so cold you'd die in minutes. This slowed things down a lot, not all boats were used and the final one went out upside down.
The survivors were all put through a testimony days after going through this horrendously traumatic event. Not only is that traumatic and awful, but its horribly damaging to their memory and testimony.
Many survivors said how horrible it was seeing the greenish water gradually creeping up the deck. It was this sense of impending doom, and a really profound memory for them.
Hey mate, this all sounds really tricky. You really don't deserve pain just cos you hurt him, it doesn't work like that. Are you diagnosed with anything? Just cos if you do have depression, BPD etc then that could help you manage your emotions