DeathByBigSad

[鳳凰院凶真 Hououin Kyouma]|[alt: 黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui] @sh.itjust.works 11h ago

As a teen I would stay up at night wishing I was white (because my white friends’ parents were OK with me being queer. They showed me a kind of love my life was so sorely lacking in.

My mother also used to throw my medication (antidepressants) away because “chemicals bad” and it’ll “ruin [my] brain”, essentially.

Oh yea this is a big part of it.

Idk why, but like everyone in my extended family seem to just distrust psychaitry. Nobody takes depression seriously.

Apparantly, one of my uncles/aunts/cousins managed to "get over depression" without taking medications, now my mom is using that as a role model. Like... the fuck.

I'm called weak for not having the "willpower" to "just get over depression". The fuck lol.

Like... I read about some of the international adoption thing and, despite the potential problems that could cause, I feel like some random white European/North American/Australian family would, statistically, probably be more understanding and tolerant of depression, more empathetic. Like I know I probably sound a little bit "internalized racist", but it's not really about the race thing, its the extremely conservative culture of a lot of Asian families. Like you go to my home village... omg people like just gossip and badmouth about that one family with the disable kid and think of him as a "burden" to the village. Like they'd have false pity, like "omg so sad" ... "so sad that this useless eater is wasting resources".

This is why, Taishanese (台山话 a variant/"dialect" of Chinese from Taishan, Mainland China, not to be confused with Taiwan, which is a different place) is kinda a dead language in my eyes.

Its just... (1) my parent never really spoke Taishanese to me and (2) a speaker of Taishanese is probably rural, and very conservative. Nobody in the cities uses that.

So while I can understand it, I just don't care for it. I don't wanna speak it.

As for Cantonese... I guess I can think about Hong Kong and how there are a lot of more liberal open minded people there. So maybe I wanna hold on to Cantonese. As for Mandarin... well there is Taiwan... and I just... hope that like out of 1.4 billion people, that there is a silent majority out there that wants a better government than... you know... the current one. A lot of Mandarin speakers are urban, more educated, a lot of intellectuals At least I hope there are alot of intellectuals out there that secretly wants change.

So... I guess I'm trying to make up the reasons to justify keeping Cantonese and Mandarin. I try to remind myself that my parents and the authoritarian government of China don't own these languages. But its hard to get rid of the subconscious negative associations.

As for Taishanese, yea I lost hope on that. Its pointless. Statistically, 99% of people speaking Taishanese are gonma have extremely fucked up rural conservative views.

[鳳凰院凶真 Hououin Kyouma]|[alt: 黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui] @sh.itjust.works 11h ago

Omg, my brain just momentarily imagined being in 2100... me bring like about 100 years old...

like... nah, I doubt I'd live that long to get on that timeline...

[鳳凰院凶真 Hououin Kyouma]|[alt: 黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui] @sh.itjust.works 14h ago

Ironically, it was actually the adversity I faced when I first arrived in the US that, at first, made me more attached to my language. I remember just writing down the Chinese characters of my name just to kinda "show off" a bit, that I'm unique. I even learned the traditional characters to make it look "cooler". I wrote it on my notebook covers and on assignments, right next to the "Pinyin name". Even though I kinda forgot like basically all other characters (can read, can't write, characters are hard, no time to practice lol).

I remember like sometime I'd write stuff in Pinyin for fun. Nobody in school can read it. Like a secret code.

Then over time, as I moved up in school, after I finally learned English. And also as you get older, kids tend to mature and are less racist. Then the scale shifts, suddenly, the emotional trauma I faced at home is worse than what I faced on the outside world. So now, even if I just hear a Cantonese song, that I actually like, and it still, it keeps remind me of my parents.

Like, you see. 99% of interactions in Cantonese are with my parents and older brother. they suck. so that feeling naturally is associated with the language.

For English, its only 50% bad, 50% good or at least "fine", so I feel more negativity about Chinese languages. Even with Mandarin, which I don't speak at home. I hear all their WeChat shit on loudspeakers. It reminds me of CCP. One Child Policy, I'm the 2nd child. So that's why. So the Chinese languages are just "tainted" in my mind, subconsciously.

It's complicated, hard to explain.

[鳳凰院凶真 Hououin Kyouma]|[alt: 黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui] @sh.itjust.works 16h ago

I'm in a shower of my own tears

Edit: Lmfao, nice modlog.

Archived just in case: https://archive.ph/u8CMA

[鳳凰院凶真 Hououin Kyouma]|[alt: 黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui] @sh.itjust.works 19h ago

You mean the period where people in my birth country weren't allowed to leave, still doing "cultural revolution" and "struggle sessions". Poverty everywhere (actually still a lot of poverty nowadays too, but it wasmuch worse back then).

Meanwhile in America, even though this was after Civil Rights, Black people are still getting hated on and lynchings still happen. A time where it's still practically impossible for someone who looks like Obama to become president. Discrimination was rampant. Disability rights wasn't even a thing yet. LGBT rights aren't definitely not socially acceptable at that time.

Why do people always worship the past so much?

[鳳凰院凶真 Hououin Kyouma]|[alt: 黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui] @sh.itjust.works 1d ago

好搞笑 https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=97&v=jxA4xQbDcyE (starts at 1:37)

Only Cantonese people will get it 😆 （粗口 warning)

2

[鳳凰院凶真 Hououin Kyouma]|[alt: 黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui] @sh.itjust.works 1d ago

My kids are my legacy. Whether that’s positive or negative is up to them at this point.

My kids are pretty close to self-sustaining — as much as they’ll ever be.

Oh well, my mom has a terrible legacy, a legacy filled with depression (aka: me, I'm the pile of depression)

[鳳凰院凶真 Hououin Kyouma]|[alt: 黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui] @sh.itjust.works 1d ago

Two Words: Parker Piles

(Philadelphians will get what I'm saying)

(images obtained from the internet)

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[鳳凰院凶真 Hououin Kyouma]|[alt: 黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui] @sh.itjust.works 1d ago

Depression

What the fuck

What the actual fuck

What the actual fucking fuck is this stupid ass bullshit

It's outrageous! It's unfair!

So you're telling me, I could just live a normal life, but a part of my brain is getting rebellious and won't cooperate, spreading negativity propaganda to the rest of my brain?

What. The. Fuck?!?

1

[鳳凰院凶真 Hououin Kyouma]|[alt: 黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui] @sh.itjust.works 1d ago

Idk how many tabs I even have on my Fennec

I open a tab, read half of it.

"I'll finish it later"

opens another tab

repeat forever...

1

[鳳凰院凶真 Hououin Kyouma]|[alt: 黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui] @sh.itjust.works 2d ago

I could go up to any person and, in theory, have just the right conversation with them to get them to do pretty much anything I wanted.

Omg I get triggered by these hypotheticals.

There's a hypothetical timeline where, say, if a time traveler went back to my childhood, they could brainwash me with the alt-right pipeline.

Like... okay that's maybe enough hypotheticals... Very uncanny to think about.

2

[鳳凰院凶真 Hououin Kyouma]|[alt: 黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui] @sh.itjust.works 2d ago

Curious, how old are you? Like... I heard that older people seem to accept the idea of death better than younger people so I'm just curious.

When I was 18, I had a major existential crisis lol.

[鳳凰院凶真 Hououin Kyouma]|[alt: 黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui] @sh.itjust.works 2d ago

Lol, it takes like just 1-2 generation for the language to be lost. I know alot of US-Born ethnic Chinese that speak very broken and heavily-accented Cantonese, zero Mandarin. These are the 2nd-gens, they still speak their ancestral language at home, but I bet by the 3rd generation, they are not gonna be able to speak it since the 2nd-gen's primary language is already English so they'll just be using that at home, since that is the path of least resistance.

Idk if I'll ever have kids, but if I do, I'll try to pass on the language, but I highly doubt that kids growing up here would care to learn...

Oh well... 🤷‍♂️ you can only preserve it for so long.

2

[鳳凰院凶真 Hououin Kyouma]|[alt: 黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui] @sh.itjust.works 2d ago

I grew up with it as an immigrant to the US. I arrived in Brooklyn, NY at 8 years old and started public school there. I'm basically a native speaker of Cantonese, Mandarin, and English, no translator tools necessary lmfao. English is actually my primary language, I'm a US Citizen now.

As for Cantonese and Mandarin, I can express my self using basic 2nd-grade level words + some vocabulary I learned while looking up the online dictionaries for some terms. I can recognize most of the basic characters. But if I read a text from someone that has more education than I did, and they use higher level vocab or like colloquel terms, then I'd actually be stuggling to reading Chinese and might have to read very very slowly or have to use Google translate to verify I understand it correctly.

1

[鳳凰院凶真 Hououin Kyouma]|[alt: 黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui] @sh.itjust.works 2d ago

不恨国，只恨党。

恨独裁的政府。

我是美籍华人。我是在计划生育，“一孩政策” ，时代出生的，我是第二胎。党想灭我。

出生后我是黑户人。党拒绝了我。法律上当我不存在。

再说了，那个户口系统是什么意思。在广州出生的人也被对待为农村人，二等居民。

改户口根本不可能。拿外国籍还更易。这什么意思啊？

政治上有很多问题。

我家到了美国后，生活比较更好。

我知道，美国也不是完美的，也有很多问题。

但是我爸妈做了决定，出国了。因为他们是为我和我哥的前途着想。

我也希望中国有一天，那个政治情况能改进。结束一党专政，真民主，一人一票，人民选领导。

我对国内的同胞没仇，我的怨恨是对党，对政府。希望你明白。

（我中文也不是很好，只在国内读到二年级，可能有些字打错了）

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[鳳凰院凶真 Hououin Kyouma]|[alt: 黃家駒 Wong Ka Kui] @sh.itjust.works 3d ago

Thankful for not being in Mainland China. Fuck CCP.

Thankful for having free access to the internet (at least for now)

Thankful that my circumstances resulted me being multilingual.

Thankful I have citizenship status in the US. I know classmates that their parents/relatives came undocumented, I feel depressed just thinking about people like them with the situation now.

I'm thankful for being literate. 100 years ago most people were illiterate.

Thankful that parents weren't that shitty. Yes they are emotionally abusive, but it could've been a lot worse after I read some other people's stories.

Thankful for the happy childhood memories I had with my mother.

Thankful for the variety of entertainment we have access to.

Thankful for being just able to imagine things. Create stories. Human existence might not be the most pure and innocent, but this is an... interesting... experience...

Music. Movies. (oh I already said it, but I gotta mention it again xD)

More freedom of movement of the current era. In ancient eras, you lived and died around where you were born. Never being able to see the world. Sucks.