Oh, dear--the closet wasn't even glass! I do get the "almost like I'm gay, but for women" thing, though.
Funny thing about imposter syndrome: I can reflect on past signs all day long and still feel it, but thinking about the joy I get from presenting femme or the effects of HRT puts it to bed. Or rather, I don't care if I'm faking it if I get to feel this good. Euphoria is the way to go!
The great thing is this: you don't have to do anything, and there isn't a set order if you do decide to transition. Take your time and listen to your heart, now that you figured it out. You'll probably find that whatever steps you want/need to take will reveal themselves to you before long.
Simply because I needed to meet some women for my perception to switch from "unfathomable sex objects" to "people I like to be around". Which it did, very quickly, and even if I didn't know why it was immediately clear to me that I liked, even preferred, hanging out with women as friends. One of the first times I was able to express, even jokingly, a desire to be more feminine was to a group of girlfriends. My egg exploded soon after.
It's possible social pressures would have kept boys and girls apart like you describe, but otoh I've always been a bit of a deliberate outcast, and I'd probably have quite enjoyed defying those expectations.
Dysphoria can be that bad for some, but it can also be so subtle you don’t even realize you’re suffering.
Very true! Up until about a month before my egg cracked, I would have described myself as a cheerful person who was never depressed, and happy with who I was.
I kept trying to “move it out of the way” and was always getting yelled at.
Ha, I'd almost forgotten! Yes, I was also the weird kid that showed all their friends how to tuck to look like a girl. You know the thing about "does sir dress to the left or right?" I was always, "neither, I just kind of tuck it out the way".
Oh, and one time I got it caught in a zipper trying to put on pants without admitting it was there. That wasn't fun.
Wait, I just remembered this as well: I used to get told off all the time for wearing my waistline high, around the navel like women. No wonder I repressed it so long.
Re shaving: when I started needing to shave regularly and kept my own razor, from time to time I'd get the urge to shave off all my body hair as well (ie from the neck down). I had no idea why I wanted to do that, but every time when I saw my shaved body it felt really good. Well, you know what happens the first few times you experience gender euphoria... so I assumed it was a filthy fetish and ought to be suppressed.
Just before my egg cracked I was seeing female forms everywhere: in lines in the wallpaper, in blades of grass, patterns in gravel etc. I thought that was a fetish too. Oh well.
I have a week or two where I feel much better, and then as the beard shadow comes back I increasingly feel worse about myself.
Yes! Now I've seen my face without shadow it's awful when it comes back. Getting there, though.
Also, re friends: from ages 11 to 21 I was in an almost exclusively male environment: I basically didn't interact with women, so I thought it was natural to long for and be fascinated by femininity. Sure enough it didn't take long for most of my friends to be women once I met some. I'd probably have cracked much sooner if not for that.
Good question! I'm looking forward to the other replies :)
For me there's a very clear split before / after my egg cracked.
Before, although there's probably a lot more that was dysphoria but I didn't realize, there are two or three main things that stand out. First is the classic "not liking my reflection", although I wouldn't have put it like that. I guess seeing myself just looked... weird? Like when I see other people, they're just people. But for some reason I (mirror or photos) I just didn't look right, although I couldn't have said what was wrong. I guess I didn't really think I was ugly, but certainly I couldn't believe anybody else would find me good-looking or attractive and even after getting married I was convinced it was on personality alone (hah!). I definitely avoided looking at myself wherever possible.
Second was the "meat puppet" phenomenon, which I put down to being a nerdy, intellectual type. Of course I could feel things, and move instinctively etc, but I always had a very clear distinction between "my body" and "me". I was absolutely obsessed by authors such as Greg Egan who wrote about people uploading their consciousness into computers and robots, freeing them of their physical selves. Also, I was slightly the odd one out when it came to super powers: rather than shapeshifting, I wanted to be able to leave my physical form and become a kind of ghost (would you say "discorporating", perhaps?). A facet of this was that I had absolutely no incentive to maintain my physical health, which lead to obesity, alcoholism and a pretty shoddy appearance. As a teenager I was depressed for a long time (pretty obviously trans+ADHD related in hindsight) and didn't even wash for a year or so.
Finally I had a constant feeling that something HUGE was missing from my life. Have you ever seen the Red Dwarf episode "Back to Reality" with the despair squid? It felt like I was playing an RPG but my character was all wrong, and I was missing out on experiences I was supposed to be having. Particularly stories like "Your Name" (and earlier "Ah! My goddess!") where the characters lose their memories of their destinies or important interactions, and are forced to spend their lives searching for something they know is missing but can't remember, were painfully relatable.
Now everything is much simpler! If I see some stubble in the mirror, I think: "god damn, I look like a man". Or my voice sounds like a man, and I hate it. And that can spiral into a kind of "I'm just pretending to be a woman" depression. But those are brain worms, and I can usually calm down by thinking about something else. And there are good days too, where I like how I look and people treat me as a woman.
Yes, the brain worms are real. And you're right: I don't imagine emergency responders are going to play games. If they're talking to you as a woman, that's what they thInk you are.
Here's hoping future affirmations are in more pleasant circumstances!
Do you know the concentration? That is, how many mg of estradiol you are using?
I wouldn't expect to see much effect from E per se at three weeks, especially if it's a low dose, but one of the first things to look for would be nipple sensitivity. If your T is suppressed, you'll get a noticeable drop in libido and body odor pretty quickly.
Egg me spent many ~happy~ confused hours watching her channel. What, this? No no no, it's not trans content, it's philosophy! I'm certainly not interested it in that way. No, not me!
Probably depends on the place, but the one I went to supplied an extra-long stud (for ease of cleaning) in a choice of 12 colors, silver, gold or clear. They're really tiny so not too ostentatious. I went for purple :3
Now I get to look at all the jewelry shops I've been avoiding when I go to the mall!
Oh, dear--the closet wasn't even glass! I do get the "almost like I'm gay, but for women" thing, though.
Funny thing about imposter syndrome: I can reflect on past signs all day long and still feel it, but thinking about the joy I get from presenting femme or the effects of HRT puts it to bed. Or rather, I don't care if I'm faking it if I get to feel this good. Euphoria is the way to go!