It’ll take time; everyone goes at their own pace. They’re hormones, after all, not an instant pot of coffee. 0.15mL isn’t a large dose either, depending on the concentration. I’m 17 months in, and it just keeps getting better as I go along.
I’m struggling with suicidal ideation too. Decades suffering gender dysphoria I couldn’t recognize left its mark. I was depressed, anxious, always feeling stuck on a neverending treadmill, gasping to keep up and keep moving. Once I understood the cause, I took steps to discover joy I didn’t know I could have, only for the world to crash down for wanting that joy, needing it. Trans folk are being crushed for the political expediency of hideously selfish prats. They use us, as they would any other convenient minority, to sustain an illusion they’re accomplishing something in politics. These fascists dehumanize us, destroy our joy for their self-gain, and damn the lives they break along the way.
I don’t want to die, I want to live. But my world is screaming and I can’t breathe. I don’t need platitudes; I don’t want to live for the sake of spite; I want the pain to stop. Everything is a severe blizzard of white noise, blinding and formless and overwhelming. My path is unclear. I feel so goddamn alone.
Despite this, there’s one hope I hold. I reject the dogmas of capitalism and fascism where one can only succeed by trampling others. I know we can be more than a worthless wreck of squirrels: hoarding, screeching, and killing each other over territory and power until we’re all boiled down into shapeless grey lumps. I also know this won’t happen on its own, and it won’t be by my will alone.
What I can do, in the here and now, is live my life the way I think it ought to be lived, and share it as much as I can to any who’ll listen. I choose what I value, not what the world forces upon me, and I reject the notion “there’s no other way.” My life is fullest when I enrich it with a diversity of stories, art, music, etc., because they challenge me, and show me the wonders of this existence in ways I couldn’t imagine on my own. Stories of characters I admire and love keep me alive and focused, when the world drowns all other thought out. I value experiences, above all else, not for novelty nor distraction, but for personal growth and the sheer enjoyment of exploration. I want to be the better person, for my own sake; and I don’t have to cut anyone else down to make it so.
I know you’re struggling right now, and how crippling it can be. Please stay. The world is better for you being in it, even if you can’t see or feel it right now. We don’t always get to see the effect we have on this world or others, but even the smallest steps we take matter. Even if all you can muster is one small step, it’s enough.
I’ve got my appointment with a specialist tomorrow. They’re probably going to want blood tests before they prescribe anything, but more than any other changes, I’m just looking forward to having peace of mind. I can wait 5 years for the rest to grow in, but mentally I feel like a battery hovering at 1-5%. Looking forward to changing that 💜
Well, how else would companies profit off of works they contributed nothing to? /s
Capitalism needs to die. We need a society that works to better and enrich all, not fuckwads who bleed and exploit others and their work for personal gain.
This hits pretty hard. Looking at the bigger picture is depressing: what the fuck is humanity’s end goal? Because it looks like it’s the heat death of the planet, all so a bunch of narcissistic fucks can pretend they’re royalty, and lord it over the rest of us who weren’t as lucky and see stepping on others for your own desires as cruel and morally reprehensible.
I worked with a small media company like this. They’d constantly throw new tasks and duties at you like candy with no plan, no resources, and unwritten and unsaid expectations you’d somehow make it all work while they sat back and raked in the cash. Burnout was inevitable, and it’d make them furious and vindictive with you when you dare to ask for less work or more pay or people to do the job.
Enough is enough. If treating your employees like spare parts is what’s needed to succeed in a capitalist society, then not only do these companies deserve to die out for their inhumane treatment of workers, but the whole system needs to be upended.
Fuck this Ferengi “we need all the profit” nonsense, especially given what Star Trek is about. I’m not paying for another service. The only thing these companies are doing is making piracy a more appealing option again.
Assassination Classroom - Just finished watching this series and it’s one of the most heartwarming meditations on teaching and education wrapped in a batshit crazy premise of junior high kids being forced to kill their teacher before he destroys the world at the end of their school year.
The heart is in the right place: protecting trans folks from those who’d seek to deny us care. But part of me worries this is a path back to pathologizing dysphoria, which can increase hurdles for trans folks from getting the care we need. Like when people had be out living as their gender for a set period of time before receiving care, sometimes stereotypically so.
Conservatism is dying slowly, and instead of reconsidering their positions, right-wingers are doubling down and turning to fascism to keep their grip on power. We must stay vigilant and counter their bullshit and violence whenever possible. If we want a better world, we have to fight for it.
Can we prove consciousness? One of the biggest ethical concerns I have with AI is folks who say it’s all just mimicry, that it’s following its program. Okay, sure. But couldn’t you argue something similar about humans? That our responses are biologically and sociologically determined? Not saying they are, but we don’t have a firm grasp on what constitutes consciousness, and scientists, as objective as they like to see themselves, can be anthropocentric when it comes to what “intelligence” looks like. We may end up creating something like the Geth from Mass Effect - something that evolves beyond what we thought it was capable of.
This is good news. Glad to see some states doing what they can support trans youth. These kids don’t deserve to be victimized by malicious assholes using their lives as a wedge issue for fascist policies.
Metaphorically grinding my teeth, dealing with an agonizing amount of mental anguish. Gender dysphoria is hitting me like a freight train, and I’m having a hell of a time trying to focus on anything else. Planning on phoning my GP this week if I don’t hear from the specialist they were supposed to refer me to. Failing that, I may have to look at my DiY options, potential health risks be damned.
If you’re a fan of Star Trek, they have quite a few excellent titles. Personal favs are Armada II (RTS), Bridge Commander (Ship Sim, even better with mods!), and Elite Force (you’re a Security officer on Voyager, FPS made by the Quake developers.
It’ll take time; everyone goes at their own pace. They’re hormones, after all, not an instant pot of coffee. 0.15mL isn’t a large dose either, depending on the concentration. I’m 17 months in, and it just keeps getting better as I go along.