Your mom is being shitty. I also have a parent who would randomly threaten to cut me off, and it was the last thing I needed to hear when struggling with life-threatening depression for the first time. A decent parent would show love and compassion, or at least not make it worse for you. Understand and remember that she is in the wrong here, not you. Mental health issues are not personal failures, any more than other health issues are.
You've posted before about your mom making horrible threats against you. It would be worth asking - how many of her threats has she actually acted on in the past? I don't know her and I don't mean to downplay the seriousness of your plight, but my own abusive parent was (is!) all bark and very little bite. The abuse was still harmful, but mostly in an emotional sense. I was never actually cut off or deprived in any significant sense, as my abuser still clung to the idea of loving me and being a faithful parent. Maybe yours is similar, and you don't actually need to take the fear of being cut off so seriously. Maybe if you could do that, you'd feel better?
Your fear of ICE is legitimate and not pathetic. There really is no limit to their indiscriminate cruelty. But it would be good to assess the risk carefully. For example, statistically, the likelihood of a kid dying in a school shooting is pretty low; you're far more likely to die of something common like a car accident. So while parents are terrified of a shooting, they still send their kids to school, because the benefits of their child being educated outweigh the risk.
When I was severely depressed, one of the few things that helped a lot was just stepping out of my usual surroundings and watching the world for a bit. It helped me remember that the world is so much bigger than me and the worries that consume me; that there's enough beauty out there to drown my depression. That there's always hope, out there in the unknown, though I often can't see it. It's a difficult feeling to convey in words, but you'll know it when you experience it. Stepping out of the house, even for a few minutes, could possibly have game-changing benefits. It definitely saved my life more than once, as silly as that might sound.
Now, the risk. In the case of ICE, the exact risk is unclear as their actions are somewhat random and unpredictable; but there are things you can do to estimate it. You might be able to find out whether ICE agents were spotted in your area (social media, and I think there was even an app for that? Try asking around here). Moreover, there are plenty of people trying to keep vulnerable populations safe from ICE. They know better than anyone else, from firsthand experience, what factors affect the risk; and they're doing their best to share that information. Try your best to find it. (I wish I was saving that kind of information so I could share it here, but I've really not been on top of my game lately.) Then make an informed decision, and hold yourself to it.
Whatever you decide, you'll feel better about your decision knowing that it was one that you made yourself, not one that was forced on you by fear.
Finally, I just wanted you to know that as someone who experienced something similar, I feel very strongly for you. I got very emotional several times while typing this, and I really wish I could give you a hug and tell you how much I appreciate you for making it this far; I know it can't have been easy. While my own problems (which are not limited to my parents!) are far from over, I was lucky enough to live away from them for a while, and I think the distance has allowed a lot of wounds to heal. Sometimes things work out in ways you'd never expect. So don't lose heart! I'm rooting for you.
So they could have replaced it with, like, email verification or something, but they instead stuck to the design that lets governments identify all users?
<Insert rampant and unfounded speculation about FBI compromise here>
One use case could be mass protests/uprisings, where you have a lot of people congregated in a small area. An increasingly popular strategy among governments these days is to just shut down the entire internet in an agitated region. Bluetooth could keep information flowing between people with only mutual contacts, as they move in and out of range.
Uses Tor. Works directly over Bluetooth/WiFi if the internet is censored or shut down. Decentralized, no accounts. No phone number required.
Of all the options available, I feel like this one is the best suited to current threats (oppressive governments with all-encompassing surveillance, and the willingness to destroy critical institutions and infrastructure).
The app is super barebones right now - feels like SMS - but it works. Main downside is that both participants have to be online at the same time (maybe group chats can work around this?), since there's no servers.
consider: train🚆train: go zoom 🚄train: fit many catgirls 😽 n all my transmasc homies too 🤠 don't forget the enbies dummy 💁train: run on electricity ⚡ give a hoot! 📣
Seconding this! I've been living with depression long enough that the coping mechanisms are automatic (for better or worse), so it's easy to forget that not everyone may have had the time to learn them. (I'm guessing I may not be the only one?)
There's a big overlap between 'coping with dysphoria' and 'coping with depression', but because I learnt the latter long before I became aware of the former, it never even occurred to me to offer advice on that topic!
Hi, closeted trans girl here... just wanted to say that I really hope you keep going - because I want to come out into a world with people like you, who carried the same weight as me and still made it to age 30 and beyond. That's something I can only imagine in my best moments, so frankly you're already my hero just for making it that far <3
I'm not DMing because I doubt I have much more to offer than my words here, but if you send me one I'll probably get over myself and reply anyway :3 (may take a few days though, I'm the snail-mail type)
Just like my history with my mental illness affects a small populace. Why should the world have to bend to my problems?
Because you matter, and your problems matter >:3
I know it can be hard to feel that way, but the way I see it is - after everything they've taken from us, we can't let them take our self-worth! Most cis people and most abled people I know aren't ashamed to expect the world to work for them; we don't get points for expecting nothing for ourselves.
I would never expect the intolerable, ignorant, racist, or cruel people to bend their beliefs for me. Its a waste of my energy to want that.
I don't expect them to do that. I don't need them to do that either. I need them to shut up and fuck off. You know, the exact same thing they want the people they oppress to do >:3
As for it being a waste of your energy... that's your call, but personally, I wouldn't be able to keep going if I couldn't imagine a world where the bigots consistently lose. I haven't yet "found my tribe" with people who understand and accept me, and it's not likely to happen in the near future; so the hope that a better world is possible, and that I could help build it, is basically all I have left - and yet, it's been enough to get me this far. Who knows, maybe it'll do something for you.
Especially because you shouldn’t give a fuck about how people perceive you. You should be whoever you are and not care about labels.
Unfortunately we are social creatures with a need for acceptance and belonging. We can survive without those things, but it isn't really living. Take it from someone who spent most of their life living like a hermit.
Having someone recognize your gender is one of the most basic kinds of acceptance. Social interactions tend to feel pretty hollow and superficial when you know that the other person doesn't know/care who you really are. (Again, ask me how I know 🙂)
I tell myself I'm acting out of self-preservation, but it's really just fear. I don't have the courage to face the shit that happens to out trans people.
I do think that fear is justified given my specific situation, and I do think that if I can somehow manage not to go off the deep end for the next few... years🫠... I have a chance of getting myself into a safer and less scary situation, where I can hopefully start to live as myself.
...except I could be wrong - I could die tomorrow anyway, or the safety I'm seeking could cease to exist soon, or maybe I'll just never find what I'm looking for unless I ignore my fear and dive headfirst into the unknown.
It's hard. And I don't have the answers. Just wanted you to know you're not alone. (And I felt less alone thanks to your rant, so don't apologize.)
Your mom is being shitty. I also have a parent who would randomly threaten to cut me off, and it was the last thing I needed to hear when struggling with life-threatening depression for the first time. A decent parent would show love and compassion, or at least not make it worse for you. Understand and remember that she is in the wrong here, not you. Mental health issues are not personal failures, any more than other health issues are.
You've posted before about your mom making horrible threats against you. It would be worth asking - how many of her threats has she actually acted on in the past? I don't know her and I don't mean to downplay the seriousness of your plight, but my own abusive parent was (is!) all bark and very little bite. The abuse was still harmful, but mostly in an emotional sense. I was never actually cut off or deprived in any significant sense, as my abuser still clung to the idea of loving me and being a faithful parent. Maybe yours is similar, and you don't actually need to take the fear of being cut off so seriously. Maybe if you could do that, you'd feel better?
Your fear of ICE is legitimate and not pathetic. There really is no limit to their indiscriminate cruelty. But it would be good to assess the risk carefully. For example, statistically, the likelihood of a kid dying in a school shooting is pretty low; you're far more likely to die of something common like a car accident. So while parents are terrified of a shooting, they still send their kids to school, because the benefits of their child being educated outweigh the risk.
When I was severely depressed, one of the few things that helped a lot was just stepping out of my usual surroundings and watching the world for a bit. It helped me remember that the world is so much bigger than me and the worries that consume me; that there's enough beauty out there to drown my depression. That there's always hope, out there in the unknown, though I often can't see it. It's a difficult feeling to convey in words, but you'll know it when you experience it. Stepping out of the house, even for a few minutes, could possibly have game-changing benefits. It definitely saved my life more than once, as silly as that might sound.
Now, the risk. In the case of ICE, the exact risk is unclear as their actions are somewhat random and unpredictable; but there are things you can do to estimate it. You might be able to find out whether ICE agents were spotted in your area (social media, and I think there was even an app for that? Try asking around here). Moreover, there are plenty of people trying to keep vulnerable populations safe from ICE. They know better than anyone else, from firsthand experience, what factors affect the risk; and they're doing their best to share that information. Try your best to find it. (I wish I was saving that kind of information so I could share it here, but I've really not been on top of my game lately.) Then make an informed decision, and hold yourself to it.
Whatever you decide, you'll feel better about your decision knowing that it was one that you made yourself, not one that was forced on you by fear.
Finally, I just wanted you to know that as someone who experienced something similar, I feel very strongly for you. I got very emotional several times while typing this, and I really wish I could give you a hug and tell you how much I appreciate you for making it this far; I know it can't have been easy. While my own problems (which are not limited to my parents!) are far from over, I was lucky enough to live away from them for a while, and I think the distance has allowed a lot of wounds to heal. Sometimes things work out in ways you'd never expect. So don't lose heart! I'm rooting for you.